Something that comes along with working with a chronic condition (at least for me) is the need to use cliché phrases over and over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I’d rather slam my head into the wall rather than have to write “I’m sorry, it’s been a rough week” one more time.
I’m blessed that I can work from home, but it doesn’t mean working is easy for me! The past few weeks have been particularly brutal between the non-stop migraines dragging on for over two weeks followed by the now side-effects from getting back on my medications (which I trust will help me in the long run). In fact, I almost started my post about setting realistic goals with “I was going to share my 2015 goals, but it’s been a rough week,” but I cringed and decided to go with what I really wanted to say.
That’s what it boils down to, though. Am I going to say something appropriate or just lay it all out there? I can’t tell you how many emails I have sent over the past few weeks with “I’m sorry for the late reply” followed with something along the lines of “the week got away with me,” or “I’ve been under the weather,” or “it’s been a busy week,” or “I haven’t been feeling well,” or yes, “it’s been a rough week.” I even found something called “Canned Responses” for Gmail so you can reply to an email and choose from a premade list of response. If I could get it to work correctly I would have totally been using it over the past couple of weeks!
Clearly my responses aren’t dishonest. It has been rough and I haven’t been feeling well, and the week (weeks really) have been getting away with me, but I am just SO tired of having to say that over and over again. Sometimes I just want to say “I’m sorry for the delay, for the past two weeks I have felt like I’m being stabbed in the head over and over again and every time I move my head pounds. The thought of looking at the computer screen makes me want to run and hide because I know I will be in agony for a few hours afterwards and most likely won’t get much sleep. I’m tired and my body hurts all over.”
Of course, that would be absurd! Would people be understanding? Sure, but you can’t just say! When I feel this way, though, it’s so easy to get behind – to let days slip by and not even realize that email I moved to “Urgent Action Needed” was 3 days ago. I really WANT to answer my emails in a timely manner and complete everything that needs to be done as quickly as possible. I really, really do, and it makes living with my condition even harder to accept because I have to accept that I have limits. I have to accept that I have to just shut down and disconnect right this minute or risk being down for a couple more days because I pushed my body too hard.
Sometimes when I’m being particularly hard on myself I wonder if I have to accept that I’m just not good at this – at what I do – blogging – my job. I can’t do it every day like I used to. I get behind. I’m setting more realistic goals and expectations this year knowing my health has been challenging and I’m finally taking better care of myself like I’ve needed to do for so long, but it still nags me sometimes because, well, that’s what happens when you’re faced with challenges. Can I really do this? Can I keep pushing through this? Can I still succeed at this? Lately, I haven’t been too sure, but one thing I know for sure even if I have to keep using those cliché phrases I’m going to keep trying!