Sometimes I have a lot to say. In fact, you should see how many drafts I have just waiting to bloom into full posts! Sometimes I type up posts and then delete them because it was something I needed to get out, but not something I think is right to post – at least not now. Those drafts, though? I hope to post them. I hope to post them soon. I hope to develop them into the full thoughts I have going through my head that I make notes on hoping not to lose it all because right now losing thoughts is exactly what is happening. I can’t even come up with simple words sometimes. My sentences end abruptly because I can’t think of words.
I had another hard week. I’m not adjusting well to being back on the medication for my headaches. I can’t even say whether or not they’re helping my headaches because it was also my “bad week,” which also triggers headaches and all kinds of pain and problems. I was in bed for two days. I’m still feeling overwhelmed from how much I’ve fallen behind, and I’m still feeling tired and dizzy. I just want to regain my strength. I just want to feel “normal,” whatever my “normal” is. I want to go back to the gym. I want to go to church regularly. I want to get on here and happily write – not dread it because I have to do it.
I’m depressed. I know it’s a side effect of one of the medications, and I’m debating just getting off of them altogether, but having debilitating headaches every day isn’t ideal either. Am I not giving myself enough time to adjust? It could be better once I’m back into my routine again – especially working out regularly again. It worries me, though, since I’ve battled depression since I was a teenager. I also fight with Seasonal Affective Disorder. I was feeling fine for a while, though, and now this.
I want to get into a good routine where I post content more regularly because I do, indeed, have a lot to say, but right now, I just don’t feel like saying it. I feel discouraged. Last year was hard, and this was supposed to be my come back. Instead I feel like I’m stuck in a rut I can’t get out of. Where do I go from here?
Then, last night I was listening to music and one of my favorite songs came on: “Never Alone” by Barlow Girl – and it said everything I could possibly say in that moment. I’m not sure I ever mentioned it, but I love to sing. If I could sing my heart out the words to that song right now I would because that’s it! No matter how I feel there is one thing that I always know. I’m never alone. I cling to that. I hold on to that promise. Even when it’s hard I know He is with me. He loves me, and I have a purpose. That gives me peace.
If you’re facing a hard time right now, I pray you stand on His promise that He will never leave you, never forsake you. He is always with you. I know it’s hard to see it in the storm. I’ve hit my knees and begged to just get through this, and even though I can’t see Him, I know He’s there. I’m never alone. You’re never alone.