Something that comes along with working with a chronic condition (at least for me) is the need to use cliché phrases over and over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I’d rather slam my head into the wall rather than have to write “I’m sorry, it’s been a rough week” one more time.
I’m blessed that I can work from home, but it doesn’t mean working is easy for me! The past few weeks have been particularly brutal between the non-stop migraines dragging on for over two weeks followed by the now side-effects from getting back on my medications (which I trust will help me in the long run). In fact, I almost started my post about setting realistic goals with “I was going to share my 2015 goals, but it’s been a rough week,” but I cringed and decided to go with what I really wanted to say.
That’s what it boils down to, though. Am I going to say something appropriate or just lay it all out there? I can’t tell you how many emails I have sent over the past few weeks with “I’m sorry for the late reply” followed with something along the lines of “the week got away with me,” or “I’ve been under the weather,” or “it’s been a busy week,” or “I haven’t been feeling well,” or yes, “it’s been a rough week.” I even found something called “Canned Responses” for Gmail so you can reply to an email and choose from a premade list of response. If I could get it to work correctly I would have totally been using it over the past couple of weeks!
Clearly my responses aren’t dishonest. It has been rough and I haven’t been feeling well, and the week (weeks really) have been getting away with me, but I am just SO tired of having to say that over and over again. Sometimes I just want to say “I’m sorry for the delay, for the past two weeks I have felt like I’m being stabbed in the head over and over again and every time I move my head pounds. The thought of looking at the computer screen makes me want to run and hide because I know I will be in agony for a few hours afterwards and most likely won’t get much sleep. I’m tired and my body hurts all over.”
Of course, that would be absurd! Would people be understanding? Sure, but you can’t just say! When I feel this way, though, it’s so easy to get behind – to let days slip by and not even realize that email I moved to “Urgent Action Needed” was 3 days ago. I really WANT to answer my emails in a timely manner and complete everything that needs to be done as quickly as possible. I really, really do, and it makes living with my condition even harder to accept because I have to accept that I have limits. I have to accept that I have to just shut down and disconnect right this minute or risk being down for a couple more days because I pushed my body too hard.
Sometimes when I’m being particularly hard on myself I wonder if I have to accept that I’m just not good at this – at what I do – blogging – my job. I can’t do it every day like I used to. I get behind. I’m setting more realistic goals and expectations this year knowing my health has been challenging and I’m finally taking better care of myself like I’ve needed to do for so long, but it still nags me sometimes because, well, that’s what happens when you’re faced with challenges. Can I really do this? Can I keep pushing through this? Can I still succeed at this? Lately, I haven’t been too sure, but one thing I know for sure even if I have to keep using those cliché phrases I’m going to keep trying!
Insomnia at its Finest
I’ve had sleep issues as long as I can remember. The chronic fatigue came later in life along with my diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. Although I am more tired now than I was then the sleep problems have been ongoing since I was a child. I’ve always had a hard time sleeping. I’ve also always had a hard time waking up. Waking up for school was the worst. Having my sister nag me about getting up drove me crazy! I just wanted to sleep! Of course, I had to go to school, so I’m glad she did! When it was the weekends, though, I could sleep well 10am – sometimes even past noon!
Fast forward to now where I have had an unstable relationship with sleep for the past 3 years due to our youngest not sleeping well. I’m sure it has changed my sleep habits some, but some things didn’t really change. I’ve always been a night owl, and I’ve never been a morning person. He is finally starting to sleep better, and we’re hoping that his surgery was the last step to resolve his sleep issues (because now he can breathe better!), but I’m still not sleeping. I have no reason to not be sleeping. I’m tired and frustrated. Sometimes I stay up and just enjoy the quiet time and get some things done. Other times I really TRY to sleep but get frustrated by laying in bed for HOURS not able to fall asleep.
I wish I could just fall asleep like this:
Such is insomnia, right? Do you want to know something amusing about it all, though? After trying to deal with my headaches naturally I decided I needed medical help. So, my doctor has put me on medications. One is a medication I had taken for my Fibromyalgia before I went off the medications, but he thought it would be a good idea to help the tension that initially triggers the headaches. The other is a migraine medication to prevent migraines (not the type you take when you get one). His big concern was that both of the medications make a person tired. So, he wanted me to start on a low dose of both, move up on one, and then if things go well but I still need a little more relief move up on the other.
At my follow-up appointment I had to see a different doctor (which unfortunately is common here but rather annoying when it’s for a follow-up appointment), and I explained I had already moved up to the maximum dose my doctor had suggested for the one medication and was ready to move up on the other. I explained that it didn’t make me get so tired I couldn’t be woken up. In fact, I still couldn’t even fall asleep – or stay asleep when I finally did. He looked at me like I was NUTS! I’m not kidding! His facial expression was priceless. He then explained that the dose I am on of that medication he has given to patients to SEDATE THEM! Here I am saying I don’t even feel tired when I take it! PLUS I’m taking another medication with it that is “supposed” to make people tired!
Well, I have moved up on that medication as well since the deep sleep issue wasn’t a problem, and I’m sure that doctor would be amused to know that I’m still not able to fall asleep. I thought I knew what insomnia was before, but I think THIS is the true definition of insomnia. What do you think?
I’m committing to posting every day as part of the Ultimate Blog Challenge!
